Over Analyzing

I was talking to a friend and he told me about how the more he reads about multiculturalism, or feminism, or any ism he finds himself over analyzing and reassessing how he looks at himself and the world in which he lives. I found this to be true about myself in many decisions and experiences that I have had.

Coming from a very diverse school and living environment I found that I was naive or jaded about certain things. I took certain things for granted because I was immersed in culture. I have always had friends from different social circles, ethnicities, and races. As a student at WCC I found myself gravitating toward the ethnic students, since majority of them came from cities...we had that in common. I was also in Jubilee singers, were most of the members were Black or Hispanic, so my closest friends at WCC just happened to be all Black or Hispanic. Sophomore year in college I was asked to run for an official position in BHA, the Black and Hispanic Alliance by a few of my closest friends who were members. After much reluctance, for fear of rejection I decided to run and won unanimously. The following year of my term I had to overcome many obstacles an ended giving up…something I still regret to this day.

Some of these obstacles I had to overcome were from three different sides, I had Blacks, Whites, and Hispanics asking me why I was an officer. Since I was neither Black nor Hispanic they could not wrap their head around the fact that I had a leadership role in such a group. I had people ask me if I was the “and” or if I thought I was Black. No one ever asked what the mission of the organization was; they just assumed they knew better than its members or its officers. Now these experiences made me have many in depth conversations with my close friends. And we asked each other many questions and probed each other for answers, trying to seek out an understanding to the ignorance that existed in our world of academia in 2005. Some of the questions we came up with were: What is “acting black” and more importantly since when does a color hold personality and character traits? Do I, a white woman, have a right to head an organization that is for the unity and cultural understanding of racial groups that I do not belong to? If people that know me perceive me this was how do others on the street perceive me?

This is why I remembered my friend’s predicament from the beginning of my blog. I have been there…over analyzing each and every detail. Am I too uppity? Are words just words, and if so, why do they hurt so much when certain people in certain circumstances say them? My over analyzing got so bad that I could not step on to a subway without wondering how each person perceived me. Was the way I dressed too much one way or too much another? My friend is having legitimate fears and concerns…and I think Patrick said it best today after class, that we are constantly changing and there is no way to analyze everything about oneself at one time. Who knows who we will be tomorrow or what will change in our lives.